Excerpts of a Road Trip
by archmagus
Summary: Xavier. Magneto. On a road trip. Hilarity ensues. One shot


Thanks to Spiffythefaery for all the beta work she provides.

Also, thanks to Toddfan for letting me make so many references to her story Yin and Yang.

Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution or any of the characters in this story.

* * *

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Of course I'm sure. We've just spent time as mindless zombies – we deserve a break."

"That may be true, but we don't know where we're going."

"That's the point, Charles. It's called a road trip – we go wherever we want."

"That sounds pointless."

"Why do you always have to be so negative?"

"I'm not the one who thought it was stupid to act as superheroes when we were in college." **1 **

"You wanted us to protect the library. What kind of villain attacks a library?"

"You always did stupid things when you were a villain."

"Did I ever attack a library?"

"Well, no."

"Exactly. No self respecting villain attacks a library."

…

"You attacked a museum."

"Argh! I had a purpose behind that."

"It was still a museum. That's just as bad as a library."

…

"No it isn't. Museums carry all kinds of respectable junk."

"Only if you're a nerd."

* * *

"Are you packed yet?"

"No."

"What? Why not?"

"I can't figure out where to pack my sombreros."

"And why would you need sombreros?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"You're incorrigible."

"But my mommy loves me."

* * *

"Can I drive?"

"You know the answer to that question."

"But I want to drive!"

"Too bad."

"You're mean, you never let me drive."

"You never bothered to master hand breaks – it's your own fault."

"I don't need breaks."

"I can't imagine where Kitty gets her driving skills from. Even if you could operate the breaks, you're still a terrible driver."

"Just because you have a Benz doesn't mean you're the best driver in the world."

"Actually, that's precisely what it means."

"Please?"

"And perish in a car accident? I'll pass."

"We won't crash."

"How exactly wouldn't we crash when you can't stop and can barely steer?"

"You'd make sure that we wouldn't hit anything."

"Definitely not."

"Come on – you know you can do it."

"Of course I can do it, but I've been making sure you wouldn't kill yourself since college. I'm tired of it."

"Oh stop thinking that you were that good at it. You didn't stop me from going on that slip-n-slide in the hallway when we were in the dorms." **2**

"That's because you're a moron."

"But you've gotten so much practice at keeping me safe."

"Only because I've been the one to get the punishment for your stupidity."

"That is not true. Name one time!"

"Do you really want to play this game?"

"Fine. How about the time I let Moira blame me for ruining your birthday cake, which you destroyed while you were high?"

"Oh that doesn't count and you know it. Moira would have blamed you anyway."

"Only because she was evil monster."

"Why do you always talk about Moira like that? What did she ever do to you?"

"She attacked me with a stapler." **3**

"It's not like it hurt you."

"It's the principle of the thing that matters. She was a demon in human form."

"Is it really necessary to say that?"

"Necessary? No. Honest? Yes."

"Well it was your own fault. You could have tried harder."

"The minute I walked into the room she hated me. All your girlfriends hated me. Amelia is a diabolical witch, pure and simple. As for Gabrielle – I shudder every time I think of that harpy."

"You never gave them a chance."

"They hated me!"

"Well, if it makes you feel better, they all hate me too."

"Oh that's a great consolation prize."

"So can I drive?"

* * *

"Why did I let you drive again?"

"Because you're weak minded."

"That being said, you crashed and subsequently exploded our only mode of transportation."

"Well couldn't you just levitate us out of here?"

"That is beside the point."

"Then what is the point?"

"I don't understand how you pulled this off. I mean, it's a river. You saw it coming a mile away. Yet you went straight into it!"

"You were supposed to hit the brakes."

"I was asleep!"

"Then you learned your lesson."

"I think I may just leave you here and let you figure out how to get off this island."

"You do that and I'll tell everyone about your bed wetting problem."

"What bed wetting problem?"

"The one everyone will know about."

"I hate you so much sometimes."

* * *

"See isn't this nice? A nice hotel with a grand bar. You are so lucky I decided to levitate you off that bloody island."

"Where did my drink go?"

"You already finished it."

"Not funny Erik. Where is my drink?"

"I'm not lying. You already drank it."

"I know I'm drunk, but I'm not that drunk."

"Do you see the empty glass in front of you?"

"So?"

"So – that was the glass which had your drink."

"Then where is the alcohol?"

"You already drank it."

"I did? Was it any good?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

"I dunno."

"Honestly Charles, you…"

"SHH! Do you see those girls over there? They're checking us out!"

"Ha. Ha. Very funny Charles."

"I'm serious. Look at them. They are hot. I'm getting lucky tonight!"

"What are you…wow."

"I know. Now smile and wave."

"Stop grinning like that!"

"Quit cramping my style! I'm working my mojo."

"You don't have any mojo."

"Just because you don't have it doesn't mean no one else does. Look, they're smiling back. And you mocked my grin."

"They're probably too drunk to realize that you're bald and ugly."

"I am not bald. I shave."

…

"You can stop laughing; you'll scare the girls away."

"I am not going to scare away what isn't here."

"Look – they're coming over."

"I call the blonde."

"Screw you. I want the blonde."

"I'm older. I was a zombie longer. I lived with Pyro. Pietro's my son. I get the blonde."

"Fine. Now behave, or neither of us will get lucky tonight."

* * *

"It is not funny."

"It's a little funny."

"She said I looked like her grandfather!"

"You are probably old enough."

"She also said that you looked like you wore adult diapers."

"She did what? How dare she?"

"You're right it is a little funny."

"I do not wear diapers! Never in my life have I worn diapers! I will not tolerate such an insult. My honor will not allow it!"

"Don't you think you're going a bit overboard?"

"She called you old."

"You're absolutely right. Let's burn this place down."

* * *

"Now I feel relaxed. Nothing like some wanton destruction to rest the nerves."

"I never realized how much pent up anger I had. That felt really good."

"You realize we're probably wanted criminals now."

"But it was worth it."

* * *

"Stupid X-Men tracking us down and ruining our fun."

"Apparently I trained them too well."

"Apparently."

"I'm sorry old friend, but I guess this is the end of our trip."

"Well, it was fun. Perhaps we can do it again."

"Of course we will. But we'll have to take some precautions before we do."

"I know. Before our next trip, we need to fake our deaths so no one will come looking for us."

"Exactly."

* * *

**1, 2, 3 **– All references to Toddfan's comedy Yin and Yang. In fact all references to a specific incident from the past occurs in Yin and Yang.


End file.
